Tomska vs aliens
by Fingolfin 2nd
Summary: A small tale spawned from a mass of different videos


Tom was walking home after a long day's not working. However, unbeknownst to any who saw him every single cell in his body was bursting with rage, as a million angry thoughts ran through his head.

_Why didn't I get invited to see 'Alien Convent' with Eddie and Elliot? What gives them the right and not me? Why do my minions have their dreams fulfilled while I, the heart, soul and big fat mouth of my own company, am left out?_

Suddenly, another thought appeared in his head. It was a great thought. It was a terrible thought. It was both these things and more. And it would be done.

He made a quick detour from his rout home to a video store, and soon found what he was looking for. Next was a quick stop at a pet store and finally a quick break in to a top secret government facility. As he walked home with his new acquired items, he knew he was ready to make an aliens film of his very own.

Creeping through his own house to avoid attention, tom slowly crept out into his backyard and into Charlie's studio. Once inside he pressed the secret button that caused his secret lab to rise from the floor. With a maniacal laugh, he began to prepare his new ingredients such as the hydrochloric acid, the various types of animal DNA and the more unusual things from the facility. Next, he watched through the very first 'Alien' movie. Soon, he knew exactly what he had to do. An hour later, he heard a knock at the door. He looked through the window and saw Charlie. He opens the door. 'What up?' he cries, to which Charlie answers with a look of disbelief.

'What are you doing? Its three AM.'

'Uh, working,' he tries.

'On what?'

'Incredibly illegal bio weaponry.'

'Why?'

'Revenge.'

'I need that studio by tomorrow.'

'Don't worry; I'll be done by then.'

'Well, you'd better be.'

As Tom watched her walk back towards the house, he smiled to himself. She never even suspected he was actually doing _extraordinarily_ illegal bio weaponry. With this small victory, he returned to his work.

By daybreak the next day, his plan was ready for action. As he looked at his work, he decided on a time and place. All he needed now was a distraction, and he knew just where to find one. And so he set out into the world with his extraordinarily illegal bio weaponry, a tube of super glue, a pond net and a small unicycle.

It was now midday and Eddie and Elliot would have been hard at work. They would also have been worried as tom had not yet arrived at the office. They would have been all this and more, if it was not for the fact that only hours ago, the door had mysteriously opened and dat boi himself had ridden into the room. As dictated by the laws of the universe, they were unable to stop laughing since. But now, at last, Tom's mighty plan would be revealed to them. If they could hear anything but their own laughter and the screams for help (in frog) they would have heard the window open behind them and seen the first alien climb through the open window behind them. If dat boi hadn't warned them before he cycled from the room, they would have had no warning at all. He did warn them in frog, so they had no warning at all anyway.

Elliot heard a sound behind him and turned just in time to see the alien leap towards him, claws outstretched. He grabbed the closest thing to hand and through it in the creature's path, causing Matthew Perry to be shredded into pieces. He screamed, bringing Eddie to attention. Eddie then screamed, which helped no one. 'What do we do?' cried Eddie, while the alien circled them.

'We've got to spit up,' said Elliot, desperately forming an escape plan, 'you take the widow, I'll take the door, it can only follow one of us.'

'When?'

'NOW!'

As the alien pounced towards him, Elliot threw all his weight against the door, landing on his feet and heading after dat boi. Its first prey escaping, the beast turned his head towards the other option, running fast towards the window. As Eddie jumped, it made up its mind and darted through the door after Elliot.

On the ground outside the office, Eddie slowly rose to his feet. He looked behind himself and listened carefully, hearing no sounds of pursuit. He breathed a sigh of relief, which was suddenly buried beneath a tide of concern. Where was Elliot? Where was Tom? Why the hell was there a damned alien that had just nearly killed him? More immediately he was faced with a dilemma, try to find and help Elliot or save himself. With considerable relief he realised that Elliot was probably dead, meaning he was under no obligation to help.

Without warning, he heard an unmistakable screech. Alien! Then, with an accompanying sense of dread, he heard an answering screech from a different direction. Aliens! Suddenly they were everywhere. He realised he was out in the open, so he ran along the street until he found a dark alley. The screeches were getting closer and closer, so he quickly ran inside to hide. While catching his breath, he suddenly remembered his phone. Maybe the police would know what to do. When he called them, however, he heard only this recorded message, 'I'm sorry, but all services in your area have been withdrawn due to copyright infringements. This should not cause a problem, as anyone who was paying any attention to anything for the past few hours will have been evacuated. Otherwise, please enjoy your imminent death.'

'But that's impossible,' complained Eddie, 'I've been paying close attention to dat boi.'

There was a sudden sound of pursuit at the alley's entrance, tearing Eddie back to the here and now. He jumped behind a nearby bin, hardly daring to breath, hoping they wouldn't look. With pure dread, he heard the slow crawl of two or more aliens prowling down the alley. He noticed with momentary relief a length of pipe lying next to him, ready to deliver a permanent headache cure to the first thing he saw.

His enemies were mere seconds away; Eddie gave up all hope of survival. Then he heard the most beautiful of all sounds. A shotgun blast echoed down the alley, sending bits of alien flying past. Eddie slowly peered over the edge of the bin, he saw his saviour outlined by the lamp post at the alley's entrance. It was a very large outline. It was-

'Tom!'

'That's right Eddie,' said Tom, shooting out the lamp post,' I'm back.'

'But Tom,' began Eddie, 'I didn't know you left.'

'Well Eddie,' answered Tom,' that's an interesting story. You see, some time ago there was a criminal trio comprised of a centaur, an anti-Semitic cat and the embodiment of the alphabet. I was ordered to bring them in but I didn't want to abandon my life for that long, so I had to find someone who could fool you all into thinking I'd never left. It was an easy choice because I only have one secret twin brother, and Brad was only too happy to help in exchange for a reduction in his prison sentence for thirteen counts of murder.'

'But Tom,' said Eddie,' does that mean Brad is responsible for this alien resurrection?'

'Well Eddie, he is the only one of the four people who still know what dat boi is who could have.'

'We've got to stop him, Tom!'

'Don't worry Eddie, I've got a plan.'

With something approaching dread, Eddie asked one more question,' what plan, Tom?'

To which Tom gave a knowing smile. 'Guns, Eddie. Always guns.'

Marching back to their office, Eddie felt far happier with Tom's shotgun accompanying him, with only the slight disadvantage of Tom. Suddenly, he remembered something slightly important. 'Hey Tom, have you seen Elliot?'

'Not today, Eddie,' Tom replied, shooting open the door,' I hope he's okay.'

Now standing inside their office, Eddie waited for Tom to reveal where he had ridden the apparent treasure trove of ordnance that had been successfully hidden for years. Then Tom picked up the Candy Cain laser gun that he had kept in plain sight for years. With a contented sigh, Tom demolished Elliot's desk. 'Ah, still works.'

Eddie jumps away from what once was a desk, 'Wow, wait, that thing's real?'

'Yep.'

Eddie suddenly realises Tom's brilliance, 'oh I see. You keep an entire wall full of prop guns so that no one suspects that one of them is real, right?'

Tom smiles knowingly, 'you got me there, friend.'

'Clever,' comments Eddie,' for a second there I thought you might just have a wall of real guns in the middle of an office.'

'Don't be ridiculous, Eddie. That would be dangerous,' said Tom, removing an inconvenient wall.

Now outside once more, the two could almost sense the threat hovering in the air. Every building could be full of monsters and every window changed just slightly when they glanced away. Without their weapons, the two would both be losing their minds, and decapitation was not an appealing thought. 'Where now Tom?' asked Eddie, now wielding Tom's shotgun.' Are we going after Brad?'

'There's nothing else we can do, Eddie'

'Where do you think he is?'

Tom thought for a moment,' He'll be where this all started; back at my house in the secret lab.'

'Wait, you have a secret la-'

'And to get there quickly, we need to steal a car.' As Tom said this, the two had walked round a corner and into view of a car park. Tom looked at them thoughtfully, until Eddie pointed out a small truck. 'How about that one? The door's open and it sure didn't have trouble running over that sandwich.

As Tom and Eddie **crash**ed and **Zoom**ed along the road in their newly acquired car, they noticed that the road was covered in debris. 'Look out!' cried Eddie, giving Tom time to avoid a Recycled _gl_ass dumpster. 'Thanks Eddie,' said Tom,' I nearly hit a minor obstruction there. Hey, this car's nearly out of fuel, and why is there a coin slot next to the steering wheel?'

'Hang on,' said Eddie, borrowing Tom's wallet,' let's try this.'

'Hey! That was mine!'

'Do you want to run out of fuel?

'Tom, watch the road!'

'Oh crap, what did I just hit?'

'I think it was an alien queen.'

'You're sure it wasn't an old lady?'

'I'm sure.'

'Oh good.'

'Tom, the window!'

'What? Where?'

'There! There's an alien about to jump- argh, to late it's on the roof!'

'Don't worry, look here.'

'"This car is equipped with anti-alien armour." Well that's a relief.'

'Yep. We're safe in here.'

'Hey, do you think Grandpa Joey's okay?'

'Oh you know Grandpa Joey. He just won't die.'

'Look, Tom, the fuel's low again. Hang on, I've got it.'

'Please, stop throwing my money at people. And cars.'

'Are we there yet?'

'Almost, Eddie; I'm just going to take a shortcut through this cemetery. Hey, why has someone tried to bury a police car?'

'Look out! A bush!'

'Damn, didn't see that bush coming.'

'Isn't that you're house?'

'It sure is, Eddie. We're here.'

As the two friends drove up to Tom's house, they could see it was full of aliens. Every window had three or four monsters peering out at them with murderous interest. 'We won't get through there alive, Tom,' stated Eddie,' What are we are going to do?'

'We've got to go in, Eddie,' replied Tom regretfully,' there's no other way.'

'But how? There's so many and we can't even see them all.'

'Just keep running and shooting until we get through to the backyard.'

Taking Tom's advice to heart, Eddie hefted his new shotgun as they both advanced on the door. 'Ready?' asked Tom

'Ready,' said Eddie.

Tom blasted down the door and the two ran inside. In seconds, the aliens, shotgun shells, lasers and fractions of aliens filled the air. Every second was punctuated by a gunshot and a dozen screeches, yet still the monsters came, still the monsters died and still Eddie and Tom fought on. 'I'm out of bullets!' cried Eddie suddenly, yelling to be heard.

'Here,' said Tom, throwing his friend some more shots and doubling his own laser output to cover for him,' we've almost made it.'

'Look out!' screamed Eddie, obliterating an alien halfway through leaping at Tom.

'Thanks Eddie. Now, through this wall,' replied Tom, making a hasty exit. The two rapidly backed away from the building, spraying death towards the murderous mass until it stopped trying to massively murder them. 'Why've they stopped?' asked Eddie.

'I don't know,' admitted Tom,' let's not wait for them to change their minds.'

The two wary, weary heroes marched towards their goal, searching around for any movement and checking their weapons. The window in the studio had been boarded up, so the inside was invisible. Tom glanced towards Eddie, who nodded. At this signal, Tom fired at the lock and kicked the door in.

As they burst into the room, the two saw that every surface was covered with alien eggs, and hunched over another gruesome experiment was Brad himself. At the sound of Tom's entry, Brad turned to face his twin, clearly showing his moustache. 'You.' He spat the word.

'Who did you expect?' replied Tom, aiming his laser as Eddie followed him in.

'Someone better.'

'There is no one better.'

Brad laughed, just a little. 'You're still arrogant as ever, I see.' He was interrupted by the sound of Tom pulling the trigger on his weapon and a weak stuttering sound as it failed to work. 'Oh, you can't use you're precious guns in here, brother. As the saying goes, if you don't plan for guns then you haven't planned for Tomska.' He gestured to the device he had been working on. It was roughly box shaped and kept repeating a strange blue pulse every few seconds, which was presumably what was disrupting the guns.

'So what,' said Eddie,' is this just going to end in a fistfight?'

'Oh no,' bragged Brad,' not while I have this.' He drew what looked like a hair straightener from his belt. Once a red laser blade erupted from one end, it didn't look all that much like a hair straightener. 'Victory not looking so sure anymore, is it brother?'

'Oh contraire, brother; you of all people should know I always win,' replied Tom as a smile spread across his face. He threw his laser gun to Eddie, who dropped the shotgun to catch it. 'for example,' he said, drawing and activating another blue hair straightener from somewhere inside his hoodie,' for example, I just won snap.'

'Eddie, guard the door,' instructed Tom as the twins began to circle each other,' you should be outside the disruptor field if you close the door. If you see any problems, shoot them away.'

'Don't worry, Tom. No one's getting in,' assured Eddie, leaving the room.

Once the door shut, Brad began to laugh. 'Seen as we're both here, brother, why don't we up the stakes?' He slashed at a chain attached to the wall. The top part was dragged upwards as the wall behind Brad collapsed, revealing an unconscious Elliot suspended above a seemingly bottomless pit. 'What do you say,' bragged Brad

Tom breathed a sigh of relief,' oh thank god. I was sure he'd have been eaten by now what with the city being overrun by murderous aliens.'

'Well, yes, but look he's been.'

'Thank you for risking your life by marching out into the city to rescue him. And here I thought you didn't like us.'

'Alright,' cried Brad, looking slightly disappointed,' you've made your point.'

Tom looked at him with a hint of confusion,' do laser swords have points?' at that Tom's blade darted forward straight at his brothers heart, only to be deflected with as downward sweep that turned into an upwards slash. As Tom sidestepped he raised his blade to bring it down heading for the head, which Brad was only just fast enough to block. Glaring at each other through the blazing lasers, the brothers once again spat insults through gritted teeth. 'You really think you can beat me?' began Brad,' I was always the better twin.'

'You've been living my life too long, because I'm still the best there is. You were only ever plan B.'

'You're a liar!'

The two pushed away from each other and danced round like two sides of a mirror. Their blades met with a flare of fire again and again, matching each other blow for blow once, twice, a thousand times with the grace of warring gods. As they blurred around the room shelves were sliced though and tables cut in half, spilling their contents to the ground in a grisly mush. Burning gashes were carved into the wall but the twins were still untouched, neither able to gain an advantage over their double. They paused, both breathing heavily, still searching for some way to win. 'So what now,' gasped Brad,' do we just keep going until one of us drops dead?'

'Of course not, brother. If you're getting tired then let's just disrupt the fight.' Tom hacked at the only table still standing, the one holding the disruptor, cutting both table and machine in half. 'Eddie, Now!'

'No!'

Eddie burst back through the door and aimed straight for Brad's head, 'Merry Christmas.' With this terrifying war cry, he fired a blast of energy toward Brad, who deflected it into the doorframe. But even as Eddie was hit by the collapsing beams Tom threw his own weapon at his twin. Brad was forced to bring his blade up to deflect it at an awkward angle or risk a short neck and sides, so the force of the throw knocked his blade from his hands. The blade was knocked of course, exactly as Tom had predicted, cutting through the chain that held Elliot. As he began to fall towards the pit he kicked out against the wall behind him, not quite as unconscious as he had seemed. As he ran towards his captor, his fist seemed to gather flames until it burned as bright as the laser hair straighteners had but moments ago. Before Brad could even finish turning round, Elliot hit him with an uppercut and a fearsome cry of rage and power that sent him flying back over Elliot's head towards the pit that had threatened his life but seconds ago. 'TURBO PUNCH!'

The three friends watched as their enemy sailed through the air, seemingly in slow motion as he fell towards the bottomless pit with a horrified scream, until he finally disappeared out of sight and earshot.

The three advanced on the tear in the earth through which Brad had fallen. 'Where is he?' asked Eddie.

'In the hole,' replied Tom.

'Will he be back?' asked Elliot.

'Oh he'll claw his way out eventually, but I doubt we'll be seeing him again for a while.' The three suddenly realised the state of the room they were in, covered in smashed up furniture and the 'remains' of the alien eggs, 'come on, let's go loot an abandoned store or something.' Tom retrieved his laser gun and restored the doorway, if not the door, while Eddie picked up the shotgun and Elliot grabbed Tom's laser hair straightener and pulled a handgun from his coat.

Walking through the infested streets, turning any alien with inadequate survival instincts into a complicated jigsaw puzzle, they all felt surprisingly relaxed and satisfied. The major threat had been dealt with, and now it was just pest control. Suddenly, Eddie thought of a question, 'who do you thinks' going to clean up the city now.'

'Ah, they'll probably send in someone soon,' speculated Elliot.

'Yeah, it'll be some specialised government agency. Maybe one of the ones I've worked with- hey can you hear that?'

The three looked up towards the sound of an approaching helicopter. As it came closer, the three could soon see it clearly descending through the clouds towards them. After that they could see what could be a company logo on the side and not long after that they could clearly make out the words 'Weyland Yutani corp,' in big bold letters. The three then spoke in perfect unison.

'Oh, shit.'


End file.
